2003-07-03 | 9:18 p.m.
<< My biggest mistake yet. >>

As I am sure most of you know already, orientation did not go well. And before one more person tells me that it is too soon to be making decisions about the school, I need to say that I will most likely be transferring at the end of this year. And without meaning to sound like a bitch, I am going through a pretty rough time right now dealing with the disappointment of realizing that the school that I thought would be perfect for me is most likely anything but, and I don't want one more person telling me that I have to have an open mind going into this. I KNOW this...it is just incredibly difficult to keep an open mind when I am so upset right now. I don't think that I have ever felt so out of place and lonely in my life...I don't need people telling me to look at the bright side. It is too fucking hard to look on the bright side when all I feel is angry and hurt and disappointed and confused.

I'm sorry to vent like that, but I have been holding back my tears and now I feel like I just may burst. I did have a small meltdown in front of my mother tonight after my aunt called and said the exact shit I didn't need to hear at the moment. After telling my mom that I felt horrible and didn't need people telling me to "give it a chance", I said something about needing to go out for a little while, grabbed a kleenex, and was out the door. Unfortunately, I think my mom may have started crying too, but I'm not sure. I have been home for about and hour now and we haven't said much to each other.

I don't know what to say now. If I seem moody or distant, it isn't because I am angry at anyone...I'm just mad at myself. I think that I made a really bad decision in choosing a school, and now I have to live with those consequences.

"Call in three months time

And I'll be fine, I know.

Well, maybe not that fine,

But I'll survive anyhow."

Evita Soundtrack "Another Suitcase in Another Hall"

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