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I went back this morning and started to read some of my older entries. It is amazing to me that, in a little over a year, so much could have changed.
Boys - Wow, I certainly spent a good portion of my first entries talking about Chris! It is amazing to me how infatuated I was with him and how, now, I see him as nothing more than a friend. I’m very happy that he has such a great girlfriend, for they are great together and part of me wonders why that relationship didn’t start sooner than that. I wanted to ask him once if he ever had feelings for me, but it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. We have both moved on to other things, but we have remained friends. I wouldn’t change my past with Chris for anything. I think the next guy I spent some time talking about would have been Pete. God, how I love Pete. Again, I realize now that a relationship with Pete wouldn’t work for the place that I am at in my life. Though it is quite flattering to hear that someone made fun of him for wanting to date an 18 year old… In any case, I love Pete (yes, I am doing the smile as I write that) and I hope I see him around the Marcy house someday. Last but certainly not least, I mentioned Kenny in this diary as someone that I liked. I don’t really know what to say about him because I don’t know how I feel. Do I think I did the right thing by breaking up with him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Relationships are tricky situations…they require work and compromise and a certain level of maturity. I don’t think I understood this when I started this diary, but it is something that I have learned over time and through “heartbreak”.
School - I was so excited about applying to Miami. I didn’t even bother applying anywhere else because I was so sure that I would love it here. Hell, I didn’t even visit the school before I applied. I don’t even need to discuss how THAT all turned out, because you can read about it in any of my more recent entries. However, I was talking to Rachel last night and I told her something that I am going to repeat now. I do not regret coming to Miami at all. Surprised? I must admit that that statement surprises me a little bit. But honestly, I don’t regret it at all. This experience has shown me what it is that I want out of my life. I have a better idea of the kind of person I am and I know what kind of person I want to be. True, I am not always happy here at school, but I am getting so much out of being here. I am no longer afraid of looking like a quitter. I need to do what is right for me, and if that means going somewhere else, I’d like to see someone stop me. I’m not afraid of this anymore. Miami has made me a stronger person, and I am grateful for that.
Drama - Man, the little things we all got so upset about…Who’d a thunk that I would have gotten so upset over what dish I got to bring to the Snowball Potluck? Did any of us imagine the kinds of little spats we had over the year? Let’s not even mention the Battle of the Sexes that resulted in so much anger and frustration. And as I look back on those little incidents, I smile. I’m not angry about any of that anymore because I love you all way too much to stay upset over something so trivial. I’ve learned in the past year that it is okay to let go of that anger and frustration, that the relationships I have with the people I love are so much more important than winning an argument or “showing up” a friend.
Templates - I have had some fun templates over the year, as have we all. Man, how many of us had that dark blue background in the beginning? And now we are all turning into html goddesses, changing the templates every few weeks. Even the guestbooks are changing. Ah, the lovely guestbooks. It is such an interesting concept…leaving comments about entries and such. It makes the whole diary process that much more personal. I feel compelled to write in my diary because I know that people are reading it. They show me by signing the guestbook. Wow, go me for completely digressing from the topic of templates…
Style - I can’t be sure, but I would like to think that my style of writing has improved since I began this diary over a year ago. I don’t really have anything else to say about this, except to say that I am trying to move past giving a blow by blow of what happens to me towards telling you all what I felt when these events were happening. I don’t think you really care that much about the small stuff that happens here…I’d like to think that you are more interested in hearing about me instead of a detailed description of how and when I do my laundry (Monday afternoons with my friend Lisa. We put our clothes in and then run over to Scott hall to get sandwiches before running back to put our fabric softener in.)Song Lyrics - Before, this was just something I would put into an entry if it was something that was completely relevant to what I was saying. Now, I almost feel like my entries are incomplete without them. Music is such an important part of all of our lives, it only makes sense for us to incorporate it into other important facets of our lives.I don’t really know what will happen with this diary in the future. It is entirely possible that I will change the template again. There might be a new guy that I obsess over. I know that there is going to be an update about my college situation…I just hope that I have learned enough from my first experience. All in all, things will forever be changing for all of us. For me, this diary makes facing those changes so much more bearable.
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Later Days Forever and Always, |