2003-10-28 | 11:16 p.m.
<< I need to vent. >>

Yeah, so that feeling of optimism and overall happiness that I was feeling before is completely drained from me now. I am so angry and frustrated and tired that I can't even function. Allow me, if you will, a moment or so to vent.

~German film class is upsetting me so much. The films are gruesomely violent with such horrible images. The most recent movie depicted a gang rape! The one from three weeks ago alluded to a man being castrated. And my disdain for these movies fall on deaf ears. The instructor doesn't seem to care that these movies are OFFENSIVE. In fact, he went to the head of the German Department and they decided that these are quality films that should be shown in the class. Oh, and did I mention that the class is called "Modern German Film" but the movie this week is from 1930? What the hell is that about?! Some of the guys in the class went to the instructor in one of their many attempts to kiss his ass and told him that he shouldn't get upset because "some immature freshman girls couldn't understand the deeper meaning of the films". Fuck them! Did they get sub-poena'd in a case involving a child that was sexually assaulted? No. I don't want to be forced to see something that upsets me that much. I don't want to go back, but I will be sitting there on Thursday evening, wasting my time watching a movie that is going to upset me. Rock on.

~One of the girls in my dorm is going to start dating one of the guys in my dorm. Honestly, I think she can do better. I saw how this guy treated his other girlfriend, and that was like shit. Crystal is a wonderful girl, but I think that Chris might just be in it for the sex. Not to say that Crystal is easy, but Chris is that shallow. If it makes them happy, I will have nothing to say. But these are the people that would always come into my room and talk about their love lives. I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear it. You don't listen to what I say but you still want my advice? Fuck you both.

~My roommate is driving me nuts. It has been building up for some time now, but it is really beginning to bother me. I don't know who I have talked to about her, so I will just say it all. Living with Megan is like living with a 6 year old. She is that girl that sat in her room all summer and watched tv, played video games, and did stuff on the internet. Coming to college was a great excuse to leave the computer on all the time. It is difficult to have a conversation with her because I don't feel like I am talking to a peer, but rather to a child that I am baby-sitting. I do know, however, that she is a good person. I wish some of the other people would see that in our hall instead of making fun of her for her weight (she is obese) and her childish behavior. I have heard some of the things they say and I feel horrible. Sure, she annoys me and we don't really hang out much. Hell, we don't even talk when we are in the room together. But I know that she is a good person. Oh, and they make fun of the way she dresses. This is just another reason that Miami sucks...she dressed up for "Talk like a Pirate Day" and took so much crap for it because it is "out of the norm". We seriously had 12 people walk past the room to see what it was that she was wearing. They still make a joke about it when she is not around..."Megan and that Pirate Costume. ha ha ha" How fucking shallow can one get? I was going to dress up that day also, but I had a Chem lab and didn't want to have to take a change of clothes. I just feel so bad for her because I know that she is lonely but I get tired of hanging out with her too. I don't know what to think...the whole subject makes me tired.

I don't really think that this entry has any direction anymore. I am just tired and sad and frustrated and all I want to do is go home and see my mom. I miss her something fierce, but it will be another 4 weeks until I get to see her.

I know that I can survive this...I just wish I didn't feel so alone in the process.

Oh here you are, there's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out? did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down, I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down, I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want, there's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

I never put you down, I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down, I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own

The Goo Goo Dolls, "Long Way Down"

Later Days.
Lex

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