2003-11-04 | 11:13 a.m.
<< A riddle wrapped up in an enigma or a walking contradiction...take your pick. >>

I don't like the person I am right now. An interesting way to begin an entry, no? It is the truth, though. If you don't want to hear me complain, I suggest exing out of this entry now, for I am in a complaining kind of mood.

I don't get to schedule my classes until tomorrow, but I have been checking the website to figure out what classes I will be able to get into...and education doesn't seem to be one of them! Why is it that I, as a GERMAN EDUCATION MAJOR, will not be able to get into my education classes? Well, that would be due to the fact that so many business majors take that class to meet a Miami Plan requirement. So because some business major asshole decided to take an easy class, I get put even farther behind. I hate scheduling.

Megan is driving me nuts. Granted, I have already vented my feelings about her...I don't think it is necessary to do it again. Let me just say that this has been an especially stressful week and she has not helped with my mood at all. I don't get time to myself in the room (ironic that she isn't in the room right now...), so I don't ever get the opportunity to spend time in here by myself to think.

Do I come off as being judgemental? It just seems to me that I am becoming so much more critical of people lately. Maybe the things that I am seeing in people are really what they are like, but it just seems like I am forever with people that are gossiping about other people from the dorm and I get sucked into it. Gossip is a disease in that sense. The girls seem to spend so much time bitching about each other behind each other's backs. Very petty if you ask me, but it is that attitude of mine that makes me feel like I am so judgemental. After a night of heavy drinking and not getting back to the dorm until the next day, one of the girls said that she looked at me when she came in and she thought that I was disappointed in her. Okay, while that isn't something that I would want to do, I don't care what anyone else does. As long as they are safe, it is of no concern to me. The idea that she didn't feel comfortable around me makes me feel bad, though.

Oh, and there is a guy... He lives in Cleveland (about 8 minutes from my house) and went to St. Ignatius. He is funny and smart and quite the gentleman. The problem? The only reason I know him is that he is always over here visiting one of the girls that I am really good friends with. While they claim to be nothing more than friends with no potential to be anything more than that, I can't help but think that there is something there. In fact, all of the girls in the dorm think the same way I do - that they should be a couple. So I do what I am good at, I step away from what it is that I want because I don't want Brittany to get hurt.

I am a walking contradiction. I say that I feel like a judgemental bitch, but then I say that I don't want to hurt one of my friends, that I would gladly sacrifice for her. Why is that? How can I be at such opposite ends of the spectrum? Was I always like this? Most importantly, did it always hurt this much?

If I tell you I'm strong,
Will you play along,
If I tell you I'm strong,
Will you play along,
If I tell you I'm strong,
Will you play along,
Or would you see I'm as insecure as everybody else

Its like......

If I follow along,
Does it mean I belong,
If I follow along,
Does it mean I belong,
If I follow along,
Does it mean I belong,
or will I keep on feeling different
from everybody else?

Its life......

Dave Matthews feat. Blue Man Group, "Sing Along"

Later Days!
Lexi

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