2003-11-12 | 12:34 p.m.
<< It's life's illusions I recall >>

Great, I freaking lost the entry I wrote. Go me and my infinite stupidity. I'm going to try this again.

I read this quote on the profile of one of the girls that lives in my dorm...

"Don't make someone a priority if to them you are an option."

Wow, that quote totally bitch-slapped me. It was quite the dose of reality. I do this far too often, and it is so unhealthy. I bust my ass trying to make everyone else feel okay and I forget about what it is that I need to do for ME. Take for instance, my ability to flip into "Mommy Mode". At least when I would do that for you guys, I felt that I was being appreciated. Here, I feel like it is a nuisance. I try so freaking hard to make others feel comfortable that I lose sight of myself.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need Me-Time, and I just can't get it here. I am so out of my element that the only sanctuary I have is when I take a nap, for it is then that I get to leave the anger and frustration that consciousness seems to bring.

Muscle knots plague my body and my emotions plague my mind. Evidence to the emotional mess (the muscle knots speak for themselves) can be seen in the lyrics that I use to depict my mood. I go from being happy and optimistic about my future to being angry and cynical and full of regret. I claim to live my life in a relaxed state of mind, but I can't seem to find that inner peace.

Obstacles and hardship doesn't bother me too much, but getting hit with so much of it at once is difficult to handle. I worry far too much for my own good. I spread myself so thin in thinking about not only my problems, but the problems of people around me. Brittany is sick, Megan is lonely, Heather is ganged up on by our RA and her room mate. I help the drunk people, I listen to the guy (and girl) problems, I give advice to the people that come to me for homework help...and I don't know that I can do it anymore. This doesn't really apply to any of you, because you are my true friends and I want to be there for you. I think I am realizing that I can't do what I do for you for everyone.

I'm so tired of putting up this front of "I'm so happy. I like Miami. Nothing really bothers me." I keep everything bottled in and I don't know how much longer I can go before I will explode. I've seen some of the frustration come out when I interact with certain people, but I always end up apologizing for what it is that I do or say...even when I am not sorry by any means. This just goes back to that "Everything is fine" mentality that I feel I have to maintain while I am here.

This just makes me feel worse because I feel that the only outlet I have to vent all of my emotions is through this diary and Instant Messenger. Not only do I feel bad about venting to you all the time, but I worry that some of my message is lost because you can't actually see or hear me. I had so much trouble talking to people last night because I couldn't understand what it was that they were saying...I can't hear the tone of voice so I can't tell when people are being serious or sarcastic, angry or amused, interested in what I am saying or pretending to listen. It frustrates me to no end.

Please don't take any of this to mean that I don't want to talk to you. I think I am just having a bit of a meltdown at the moment because I am not making enough time for myself and my problems. I need to figure out some stuff before I come home, so I might not be online so much this week. That and, as Rachel can attest, I haven't been getting much sleep recently. I need to go to bed! I need to take naps! I need to not feel like crap!

I think I have said everything that I can at this point. I don't know what is in store for me in the weeks ahead, so I can't say if things are going to get better or not. All I know is that there is a light beaconing me now. This light takes the shape of a city right outside Cleveland, a place where I feel comfortable and where the people that I love will be. This is what will get me through the next two weeks. Let's just hope that I don't spontaneously combust before then.

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all

Joni Mitchell, "Both Sides Now"

Later Days.
Lexi

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