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As it is almost two in the morning, it counts as Sunday, December 14th. For most of you, this marks the day that we made our "incredible" Hamlet video for English class. However, December 14th holds a completely different meaning for me...
It has been exactly one year since my Grandma died. I think about her so often and it still shocks me that I won't see her again for a very long time. I remember so vividly what happened the night that I heard she had died. You can go back to that entry to hear what I had to say about it, for I don't really want to bring it up again. This entry is more about feelings...the memorial I never really gave her. My Grandma first got sick when I was in fifth or sixth grade...I was about 10 or 11 years old. And as it is hard for me to remember much of my life before I was four or five, I really only have about five years of good memories. In fact, I spent more of my life visiting my Grandma in hospitals, nursing home centers (she would go there after stays in the hospital), or helping to care for her as she lived as a near invalid at my aunt's home. While I still remember good things that happened at these places, the memories are tainted by hospital beds, walkers, and having to watch Grandma while she slept to make sure she was breathing. I was always so angry that I had to deal with her frail condition while my other cousins who were considerably older than me barely managed to send a card or call, let alone visit. I think it is safe to say that I took her death harder than others. It was while we were in Nicktown preparing for the funeral that my mother told me something I had never imagined. She told me that Amanda, one of my older cousins, told her mother that she was very jealous of me, because I had so many good years with Grandma. It really put things into perspective for me after that. As we were at the house, I thought about all the times I ate breakfast with Grandma. We would sit at the kitchen table and I would eat cereal while she drank her coffee. In fact, it was at one of these breakfast encounters that I learned about putting sugar on Cheerios. I don't think my mom ever "forgave" my Grandma for that one...That kitchen was the home of so many cookie baking marathons, the creation of jello jigglers (the pictures of Grandma eating the jigglers are priceless), the best waffles ever made, the apple dumplings, home-made iced tea, etc. Cooking and baking were always a huge part of Grandma's life...it had to be, she had 12 kids to feed. Even though I was very young when we had these amazing kitchen encounters, I remember them so well. Not so much for the food (but believe me, it was amazing), but more for the stories I heard. As Grandma had been alive since 1911, she had some amazing stories to tell. I could go into details, but they really lose something when they aren't being told in the same kind of setting that I heard them in. I will just leave it at this...the kitchen holds some incredible memories for me. Even after Grandma got sick, we still had some unforgetable encounters. Come to think of it, these situations also occured in the kitchen. The only difference was that this kitchen was at my Aunt's house and Grandma was no longer the one cooking, but rather the one sitting at the table, too weak to stand on her own. Mom and I had gone in to visit for the weekend, and I was testing a recipe I had for "no-bake cheesecake". I asked Grandma to be my taste tester and, after tasting the concoction, she looked at me and said, "Why don't you just save that for the two of us?" It really warmed my heart to hear her say that, for it was at a time that she was very ill. After this, the warm memories of the kitchen fade into instances where we would force her to eat, because she was too weak to do it on her own. The worst memory by far was last Thanksgiving morning...Mom gave Grandma a home-made pumpkin scone that we had baked and brought to my Aunt's house to share. Whether the scone was too moist or my Grandma just swallowed the wrong way is unclear. All I remember is having to call 911 because "My Grandma is choking to death". Luckily, my Mom was able to dislodge the scone, and no paramedics were needed. Things just weren't the same after that. Grandma died about 3 weeks later. We were in the weekend before she died, but it pains me to know that the last vivid "Kitchen memory" is me calling for an ambulance. The emotions running through me that morning were ones that I would never wish on anyone...not even my worst enemy. In the year that has passed since my Grandma's death, I have spent more time thinking about the good memories. I have to, for if I don't, I may forget them altogether. I may only have five years of solid good memories, but I think that is more than some of my older relatives. Amanda's jealousy was enough to keep me from forever grieving. December 14th will always be a day that I remember, but I hope that it is a day that I can think back on fond memories. I miss my Grandma with all my heart and I sometimes feel that part of me is forever broken without her here, but I know that someday, we will be together again...sitting in the kitchen. I love you so much, Grandma. I miss you and I hope that all is well for you. I know that you were in so much pain and I hope that you are now at peace. Please watch over me from wherever it is that you are now. I love you and I miss you and I can't wait to see you again.
So many words for the broken heart
Show me the meaning of being lonely Backstreeet Boys, "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" |