2004-01-08 | 11:20 p.m.
<< I'm several miles from the sun >>

How horrible is it that I already miss everyone and I haven't even left the wood yet? Hell, I am going to see some of you tomorrow! And yet there is still part of me that hurts more than I can possibly explain. My heart is breaking because I feel so much lonliness at school, and yet I know that I have no option but to go back. This is how I felt when I left for school in the first place, but it has intensified, for I have a better idea of what I am going back to. Being home and being so happy has made me realize just how unhappy I am at Miami and how the idea of being there for four years physically pains me.

The other fear that has been plaguing my mind for the past few days is that I am making a monumental mistake in becoming a German Education Major. I mean, I don't think I am bragging when I say that I think I have a skill, nor would it be wrong for me to say that I have a passion for German. But will I ever be able to speak it fluently? Am I strong enough to live overseas for a year...or even a semester? Will I be happy with this as my profession?

I guess I have a big fear of the unknown. I just want to know that I will be happy in the years to come, and it scares me that I don't know how to prepare myself for that happiness.

One of my biggest fears is that I am going to wake up someday and say, "What the hell have I done to myself? Can I fix this?", and I won't know what to do. I guess that part of the college experience is to feel this overwhelming amount of doubt and this lack of direction, and I guess it is up to me to get back on track.

I don't think that I can ever really be happy at Miami University, nor do I think that I will be able to find my direction there. However, I know that I have no option but to finish the year there and to make the most of every opportunity...even if it breaks my heart.

After school
Walking home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us
from our past

And sometimes it's a sad song

But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

Maroon 5, "The Sun"

Later Days
Lexi

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