2004-01-18 | 7:50 p.m.
<< Where do I go from here? >>

I have been back for one full week now, and it really amazes me that so much has changed and yet everything stayed the same. I am more convinced than ever that this is not a place for me to be for four years. While there are some amazing people here, I don't really think that I can handle this for much longer. The rest of this semester seems to be a bit too much at times.

The first thing that I have realized since coming back to school is that my friendship with Erin (Ernass) is really superficial. I mean, we have a lot of fun when we are together, but I don't think that I could really ever tell her about the things that are bothering me. She has a basic idea of what it is that I feel, but I am coming to see that it would be too difficult to reveal to her my inner feelings. This seems to be the case for many of the people here (the fact that I can't talk to anyone), but it hurts more because she was my closest friend here.

The sororities on campus are at the end of their rush period, so a number of the girls in my dorm have gone completely insane. No joke. On a side note, I really don't understand the benefits of sororities. Maybe that is because I am only seeing the negative effects of trying to fit in with the sisters. Insecurites and petty arguments have become the norm in Wells Hall, and this is all for the friendship of a group of girls that you have only known for about two weeks. I fail to see how a quality friendship can be based on these initial feelings of negativity. I seem to be one of the only first years in my dorm that think this way, because it seems like everyone and their sister has decided to perpetuate these stereotypes by freaking out over clothes and delivering hurtful comments to one another in an attempt to feel better about themselves. I guess that their negative attitudes are getting to me, for I am feeling more and more detached these days. And oh my groonies...if one more person so much as utters one Greek letter, I will throw myself out the window.

I guess what it boils down to is that being at home made me realize how great I have it there and how much I really hate it here. Plus, I feel like I left the Wood with some unfinished business, and I really hate having loose ends. I miss you all. I ache for you all.

I feel like I have lost my place at Miami University. I am so full of doubt about everything I do these days, and I feel like I have very little support here. I honestly think that things will be better somewhere else, but the question that lingers now is, "What if I am completely wrong?"

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.

Fleetwood Mac, "Don't Stop"

Later Days!
Lexi

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