2004-01-31 | 11:18 a.m.
<< January 31st is a great day. >>

Today might not seem to be of any particular significance to most of you, but to me, January 31st marks a moment in time where everything changed for me and I started growing up and actually experiencing life. I began to understand how any decision I made could greatly affect everything that I knew, but that I didn’t have to go through it by myself. For those of you who don’t know or remember, January 31st was the day that I not only found out that I was accepted to Miami University, but also the day that the best friends anyone could ask for threw me a surprise birthday party.

When I walked over to Katy’s house after work on that fateful night, she greeted me by saying that both Katie K. and Beth had received their letters from Miami that day. At that moment, a wave of nausea passed over me. This had been what I had been waiting for since I sent out the application in November. This letter was going to determine my future for me. As I had only applied to one school, it was either Miami or bust. I walked in my house and saw that package sitting on the table with a return address from Oxford, Ohio, and I knew that it was official. I was going to Miami University come August.

Looking back at that moment, I know that I was incredibly happy. Miami was my dream school, and now I didn’t have to look at anywhere else. January 31st was the first night that I could go to sleep and actually SLEEP. There were absolutely no worries in my mind about where I would be next year or what I would be doing. Everything fell into place for me and I was so much calmer at that moment.

You can look back at my entry from February 1st, 2003 to read more details about the surprise party that took place at Laura’s house that night, but there are some things that I would like to say again. I don’t know how many days of planning went on under my nose, but I never had any idea that anything was being planned. In fact, I am still a little surprised by that night. Everything was just so amazing, and the fact that it was for ME was just so preposterous in my mind. What I mean is this – after my best-friendship with Micki fizzled, I didn’t think that I would ever be able to let people get that close to me again. I always just assumed that I would always know a lot of people, but have very few (if any) close friends. The idea of getting hurt again was just so unappealing to me that I would have just as soon shied away from the complication that I saw friendship to be. That surprise party completely changed my views on that. Standing in Laura’s living-room while everyone jumped out and yelled “SURPRISE” made me want to burst into tears, but for more than any reason that anyone there could have known. Being with everyone that night melted my heart from all the pain that I had known and made me realize that I could love and trust people again, that I didn’t need to stay isolated anymore.

As I was talking to Rachel the other night on IM, I told her that January 31st was an incredible day for me because, looking back, it surprises the hell out of me. “What I thought would make me happy (Miami) turned out to suck, while the thing I never even considered (a surprise party) made me happier than I have ever been.” I don’t know how much I have changed since last January 31st, except to say that I have applied the revelations of that night to my life now. I’m no longer afraid of being close to people, for the risk of never knowing someone special hurts more than the risk of possibly being hurt someday. As far as Miami is concerned…well, I really can’t stay angry about that anymore. Yes, my dream school has become a living nightmare, but I am doing my damnedest to change things. My application for Bowling Green was received…all I have to do is send them an official transcript. We will just have to see how that goes, but I believe that, as the song says, “Things will only get better.”

January 31st, 2003 is a night that I will never forget as long as I live. At the time, it was probably one of the happiest nights of my life. Now, it is a day to remember where I was and where I will someday be.

I’m standin’ at the crossroads
Tryin’ to read the signs
To tell me which way I should
Go to find the answer
And all the time I know
Let your love and let it grow.

Let it grow, let it grow,
Let it blossom, let it flow.
In the sun and in the snow
Love is lovely, let it grow.

Lookin’ for a reason
To check out on my mind.
It’s so hard to find a
Friend that I can count on.
There’s nothin’ left to show,
Plant your love and let it grow.

Let it grow...

Time is gettin’ shorter
And there’s much for you to do,
Only ask’n you will get what you are needin’,
The rest is up to you.
Plant your love and let it grow.
Let it grow...

Eric Clapton, “Let It Grow”

Later Days!
Alexis

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