2004-02-10 | 1:39 p.m.
<< A hard lesson learned >>

I realize that I have neglected this diary lately and have done very little in my LiveJournal as well. There is a reason for all of this, though it is still pretty difficult for me to talk about. I love all of you too much to keep something like this from you, though, so here goes.

I learned the hard way two weekends ago that my body cannot break down alcohol. I was at my friend's dorm and tried the alcohol that he had in his room. Either I didn't realize that the alcohol was 100 proof (50% alcohol), or I just didn't think anything of it...either way, I got pretty sick off of just a little. Conveniently enough (ha-ha), I didn't start throwing up until the RAs came in the room and saw everything. We were all written up that night and I went to my Procedural Hearing today to hear what my sanctions were.

I have to write a two page paper about the alcohol policy at Miami University. I have to go to a four hour class about alcohol abuse (which costs $80). I have to talk to a drug counselor (which costs $120). The whole ordeal was put on file and is on my record until I choose to have it taken off two years from now.

I make absolutely no excuses for my actions that night. Unhappiness, lonliness, and a desire to "try my hardest" led me to believe that this was okay. Well, it wasn't and it isn't. I know now that it I am physically unable to drink alcohol, but I learned so much more than that that night. I've been saying for so many weeks now that "I am trying...", but I realize now that I wasn't "trying" my way. I was living my life not as a Miami girl, per say, but as someone who could be tolerated by the Miami girl. It is lonely out on my "I hate it here and I don't care what they think" limb, but climbing in towards the safety of the tree trunk is so much more dangerous. I don't try to impress people here by the brand of clothes I wear or the amount of money in my mom's account, but at the same time, I just want a companion. I go out to parties that I would rather stay away from because the idea of staying in my room with only my thoughts of lonliness and my desire to leave is too much to bear.

I sincerely hope that things will be better for me in the weeks to come. Now that I know my punishment for that one night, I can begin to move on and work towards being that person I once was. The girl who was a little more confident, a little less scared, a little less critical of herself, and a little happier.

Later Days.
Lexi

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