2004-02-25 | 1:56 p.m.
<< Smile Looks Like a Frown >>

As I left my German class today to come back to the dorm while I waited to go to lunch, an eerie sense of calm washed over my body. This was not a relaxed calm, but rather the calm of one who is sans emotion. I haven’t been able to shake it yet and this scares me.

When I was in eighth grade, I lived my life in a very isolated manner. If I had things my way, I wouldn’t have talked to people. My mom thought it was some form of depression or the like, for I just didn’t show emotion…I never smiled. In fact – do you all remember the song, “Lullaby” by Shawn Mullins? My mom never learned the song except for one line that she would sing whenever the song came on the radio. The line? ”And all her friends tell her she’s so pretty, but she’d be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while.” I guess it was a pretty accurate portrayal for the time.

My biggest fear is that I am in some way reverting back to those indifferent ways. I know that it will never get to the point that it was back then, but the mere threat of that Ice Queen persona returning puts me at ill ease.

For some reason, I think that this wave of apathy is in someway related to Amy’s cruel comments the other night. What it boils down to in that situation is Amy’s discomfort with who I am and, if I may wax psychological, her inability to be comfortable with who SHE is. Jealousy on her part, perhaps? Whatever the case may be, she is no longer considered a friend (not that ever really was) and is not welcome in my room and the like. I am, for the most part, comfortable with who I am and happy with that. I care very little what those around me think of my behavior, for I am not here to impress. I can just be the truest form of myself and hope that those around me can be the same way.

Whoa, good tangent there, Lex. I have completely lost that indifference angle I was working on. So here it is – I’m worried that, in not caring about the opinions of the people at Miami, I am losing interest in interacting them. I don’t ever want to be where I was in eighth grade again…it was so daunting.

she still lives with her mom
outside the city
down that street about a half a mile
and all her friends tell her
she's so pretty
but she'd be a whole lot prettier
if she smiled once in a while

`cause even her smile
looks like a frown
she's seen her share of devils
in this angel town

But, everything's gonna be all right
rockabye, rockabye
everything's gonna be all right
rockabye, rockabye
rockabye

Shawn Mullins, “Lullaby”

~Lex

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